Captain Madden vs Snow

In the beginning there was God and well, God got lonely so God decided to make some stuff.

(We'll call this  next part: Genesis Chapter 1, abridged)

God made some dirt, some sky, some sun and moon, made some animals, made some plants, made this pair of f*ck ups named Adam and Eve, and along the way, God made something pretty frickin' sweet. Water.

Just think about it. Water is like the swiss army knife of creation. You can swim in it, you can drink it, you can shoot it at people, you can put out fires with it, and you can even wear down a mountain with the stuff (This only really works if you're a wizard or something and happen to be immortal).

Yes, I'd say that water is in fact, pretty frickin' sweet.

But like all things pretty frickin' sweet, it got royally screwed over when Frick and Frack (Adam and Eve) decided that taking advice from the Almighty was lame and that the serpent would make a great life coach. Way to go, assholes.

Here's my train of thought:

God=Good

Water=Good

God made water.

Satan=Bad

Snow=Bad

Snow is Satan's perversion of water.

Think about it. What is snow really good for?


Snowmen?

They come to life, kidnap your children, and take them on deadly "adventures"
 to the North Pole to see the Chief Pedophile, Santa.


Snowballs?

They'll put your eye out and never work out as well as in Calvin and Hobbes. (It pains me to say it, but this fact leads me to believe that Bill Watterson is in fact an agent of the devil.)

White Christmases?

People drive to see their families on Christmas. Going over the river and through the woods becomes a lot more perilous when there's a damn BLIZZARD trying to kill you and your loved ones.

Now, I haven't always felt this way about snow. When I was a little kid and we lived in Mississippi, I thought snow was the best thing ever, but snow only fell in amounts of 2-3 inches at a time in Mississippi and only lasted a day.

I was a fool.

In Nebraska, snow falls TWELVE FEET at a time and makes you want to die every time you leave the safety of your dorm room. Also, IT NEVER MELTS!!! It just hangs around like the awkward kid that no one invited to the party, but ends up staying the longest.

However, you needn't fear. Together we can end the menace of snow and win back our winters. We can fight back against Satan and return water to its sacred, holy, liquid form.

Here's the plan:

I want everyone to go out and buy 12 cans of Aquanet and a couple packages of styrofoam cups.

Go outside and build a bonfire.

Burn purchased items.

Note: After throwing the items on the fire, you should probably run like hell since cans of hairspray tend to explode when heated excessively.

Enjoy the acrid, black smoke as it swirls up toward the vulnerable ozone.

Global warming is our last, best hope for survival.

(Sorry 'bout it, Mr. Polar Bear.)