Goals

I came to a realization at the beginning this semester.

Everyone needs goals.

This started safely enough. I wrote a flurry of lists filled with goals focused on self-improvement and healthier living.

• Go to bed at 11 every night

• Wake up and eat breakfast every morning

• Practice an hour every day

But then, as shit is wont to do, shit got out of hand.

• I made running every day a goal.

• I made finding and possibly stalking Leontyne Price, my favorite opera singer, a goal.

• sub-goal: Find and destroy Renée Fleming, my least favorite opera singer.

and worst of all....

• I made saying only nice things to people a goal....

 If you know me, you know that as much as other people need oxygen, I need sarcasm. My face's default setting is judgmental and my heart is as black as the deepest pits of the earth. 

Well, maybe it's not that bad, but I do enjoy lacing every conversation with sarcasm and wit. It keeps people on their toes. 

In fact, I usually tell people, "If I make fun of you, it's because I can tolerate your existence. It's when I'm overly nice that you should be afraid." (You know who you are.)


Not a lot of people know I set this goal (Other than those who might remember that terrible week freshmen year, when it was forced upon me by my voice teacher.) Needless to say, it didn't last long.


I kept finding my head filled with snide comments and smart remarks. It was kind of like a maelstrom of bats decided that my skull was the place to be and they started screeching and flapping around in there. 

Have you ever had a maelstrom of bats inside of your head? It's not a pleasant experience. (Some, less creative person, started calling it a migraine a few years back. Mine is better.)

So, finally, in class, I let a comment fly directly into the face of one of my fellow students. Sadly, they received the culmination of 4.5 hours (Like I said, it didn't last long) of Grade A Verbal Bitchslap. It was probably kind of like get clawed in the face by a bat.


I actually felt a little bad, but the whole experience taught me some important lessons:

• Keeping sarcasm inside of your head is dangerous. After all, bats carry rabies, and brain rabies is probably what created the first zombie.

• Setting goals is great, but keep them small. Stuff like "I will brush my teeth," "I will not eat 12 brownies at dinner," and "I will not commit murder" is probably safe.

• Sometimes ridiculous goals ARE ok. I found Leontyne Price's address online and I'm writing her a letter.

(Watch your back Renée. I'm coming for you.)